i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
