Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
