I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
