She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
