chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
