Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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