We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
