You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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