New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're a waste of cheezeits
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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