dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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