I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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