you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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