I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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