We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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