dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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