My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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