Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Are we still banned from the library?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
