Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
