On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
