God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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