When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
