I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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