Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
