I am spending my child support on dildos
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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