My nipple is on Facebook.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
