a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
