Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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