His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
