If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
