You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
