No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
