you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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