I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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