Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
