It's Friday. Sex?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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