at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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