Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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