Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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