i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The power of my boobs compel you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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