you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
