u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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