well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
