just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
