My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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