i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
