Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
