I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
