I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
