her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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