3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
