Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
