you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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