This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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