The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you had me at cake vodka
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
