Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
