Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Randomize
