So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
