sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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