Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
