'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize