I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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