I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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