I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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