Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
