I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize