why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
