i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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