Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
