sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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